To the Editor:
Dates. What was the real reason that Bush wanted to invade Iraq? Dates. Not the kind middle-aged men dream of having with luscious young babes. No, Bush is a married man for God's sake and a Republican to boot. Now if we were talking about Clinton, this might be a different matter, but I digress. No, I'm talking about those sweet sticky oblong brown fruits of the desert date palm tree, Phoenix dactylifera. Bush simply can't get enough of these dates. And Iraq currently produces about eighty percent of the world's supply of dates. We know that the Indio region of Southern California produces some very fine sweet dates. But you know how Bush feels about California. He wants nothing to do with anything Californian. So there is no alternative but to invade Iraq. Inspections by the U. N. just won't cut the mustard, so to speak. These inspections certainly won't be supplying Bush with any dates in the foreseeable future.
Time has run out. After we bombed Iraq you'll notice that the date-producing regions have been left completely untouched and intact. You'll be hearing endless cable TV yakking about deposing a dictator, vast oil reserves and alleged w.o.m.d., but the real reason for the invasion will be kept secret. But now you know the truth. Can you say Deglet Noor, Medjool, Khadrawy, Halawy and Zahidi?
James K. Sayre
22 July 2003